My heart has been put through intense emotions the past week. Sadness, grief, worry, and fear have been my constant companions. I know these emotions well. They were once my steady friends. Now that we are becoming reacquainted my body craves the familiar path.
Have you ever felt that internal battle of choosing between what is old and familiar and what is new? Even if what is new has been familiar for a long time, our bodies still crave the patterns that have been in place longer. It’s an intense tug-a-war between what we once new and what we now know.
What do I choose? What would you choose?
Do you believe in magic? Little mercies that are everywhere showing you there is life beyond this existence? I do. You see, I have friends, I have family and most importantly I have a Heavenly Father who directs all of us.
My grandma left this earthly state last week to join her companion in a world that seems to be growing bigger and bigger with those I love. Although I am joyous for this reunion my heartaches for the misplaced love and emptiness I feel.
I have been seeking for the lessons to learn this time around, the growth I must endure. Although I have not found those lessons and I may not for a long while I have found good shining through. I have been blown away by the love of others reaching out to me.
My parents have held me while I shook with tears. My aunt has hugged me and cried with me. My friends have watched my children and checked in every day with kind reminders that they are here for me. They have wiped my tears, held me close, let me vent, and been my angels. My mother in law who has been with me through every funeral has helped me prepare meals, played with my kids and been available at the drop of a hat. I have family who has rallied around me and been my source of peace.
My husband, he has been my strength. He has been so patient with my desire to be near those I love all week. It was his birthday, and he has not complained or felt jilted for celebrating a couple days late. He lets me talk freely and holds me while I cry. You see, he has been with me through losing two other grandparents. He knows my patterns and reminds me daily my first experience with grief is not the same as this one.
If all this isn’t magic I don’t know what is. Magic surrounds me. In a moment when I felt my heart would implode I felt unseen arms wrapped tightly around me and hearing the words I am happy whispered in my ears.
What do I choose? I am choose to feel. I will feel the emotions and not bury them. I will plead for guidance. I will reach out to those who know. This time is different. A quote I know and love from Maya Angelou,”When you know better….You do better.”
Make it a priority to do better. Do something that you know is good for you and experience all the good that comes from that. Today I am embracing the light and as my grandma would say, I am “pulling myself up by the bootstraps.”
With Love,
Talesha