Mom….
“Just spit it out Talesha, say the words. You have to speak Talesha.
Mom, grandma is gone. You have to get here. I don’t know what to do.”
I couldn’t get the words to form right, they were a jumbled and I honestly don’t know if I even formed a sentence. I’m not sure at what point but Paul took the phone from me.
He had to tell my mom. The heartbreaking most awful thing to tell someone. I could hear her pain through the phone. I wanted to disappear. It stabbed through my being. My body shook.
The EMT’s and police officers were all packed into her living room. Our home! I wanted to yell at them, tell them to bring her back. Make this all go away.
The loudest, silent chatter was all around me. I lost sense of what was real.
Then mom walked in the door.
I didn’t want her to see grandma. I wanted within my entire being to shield her from this. I wanted to protect my mom. I wanted her to not experience the heart aching pain I had just been through.
But nothing I could do would ever erase the pain we would share. I couldn’t protect her.
I went on auto pilot. I shut it all off, I got into service mode of helping everyone else who would come through our door. My cousins, siblings, aunts and uncles. I didn’t cry for hours after that.
Our home was filled with people.
I had to share over and over again what happened.
It sucked!
My heart blackened!
I sat in slow motion. Searching for her.
I Listened to plans being made, memories shared, and fear creeped in. It was like a snake wrapping around my soul.
Fear spoke so loudly to me. She said, “Talesha, this is your fault, how could you not know? You could have helped her. You were supposed to be taking care of her. Everyone is hurting because you didn’t know.”
People were all around me and I didn’t want them to leave. If they left this was all real.
And then I was really ALONE.
I don’t think I slept without heavy sleeping pills, I cried even in my sleep, and my friend fear had me searching for her footstep noises. Her faucet turning on and off, and our familiar daily chats.
I wanted to talk about my pain but felt so much guilt in it. How dare I feel this way. I wasn’t her daughter. What is the matter with me?
She’s been gone for 3 days. I walked into Macey’s to get some groceries that we were in much need of. I turned to the produce section first as I always do and I lost it.
Huge sobs erupted from my chest. How was it that everyone here was fine?
Fear spoke again. She said, “no one here knows your pain. You’re alone. Everyone is having a normal day. You never will.”
The sobs came faster and harder. I don’t know how I made it to my car but I did. I sat there crying my alone tears with my son in the back seat.
How dare I, I’m messing him up. He must be so worried.
On the day of her funeral I thought I would feel peace. I thought I could finally feel normal and go back to my old self. Have closure.
That would not be my story.
Darkness replaced all light.
This was ALL MY FAULT.
Seriously? You have an incredible way of making me feel like I was there….what an amazing talent you have. I know Meridan was and is soo very proud of you❤
I’m glad you felt that way. I definitely wanted to bring others along on my journey as if they were right there with me. Thank you for saying that. I loved her so much.