Emma’s Story of Rising Up

Hi all! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Emma, and it’s nice to meet you! Here is my story that I recently went through that taught me a lot. I’m sharing this to hopefully any of you who are in the same situation just as lost as I was, to know there is always hope!

In January of this year, life was going great. Brad (my husband) and I had just boughten a brand new fifth wheel and were planning on moving in three days! everything was planned and we were ready for our new life on wheels. He worked for Union Pacific as a conductor and loved it. He was the happiest I’ve seen him in years.

I had just quit my job a couple of days before to help assist us in the moving process. One night around midnight (because I’m a night owl) Brad called me. I was so happy to hear his voice because it was rare to get a phone call from him while he was on the job. When I answered the phone I wasn’t prepared to what my life would be for the next 6 months.

“Emma, there was a pretty bad accident tonight and it was my fault… I think this is my last day, I think they’re going to fire me” I laughed it off and told him to stop joking with me. He did that frequently. But no, this was no joke. After I realized he was telling me the truth, my heart broke. I was so scared for him. Worried if he and everyone he was with were okay. Luckily, everyone would be returning home to their families. A huge blessing. And, he would be returning home to me.

I remember being strong. Telling him everything was going to be okay, even though it felt like it wasn’t. Because that’s what I do, I lift even when I’m falling. Even when I don’t really know if everything will be okay. I went into my parent’s room a crying, blubbering mess. Nearly having a panic attack and saying “I don’t know what we’ll do if he loses his job!” My dad hugging me and holding me as I cried. Assuring me that life will be okay. After receiving a fathers blessing from my dad I went into my room and forced myself to fall asleep.

I knew that within the next 7 days I needed to find a job. The likelihood of Brad going back were slim to none. Even though we kept our faith and did everything we possibly could. I found a nanny job on care.com and within that week I started. The pay was good, and I knew I now needed to support my little family. Who knew when the next job opportunity for Brad would happen and we had just boughten our fifth wheel… the bills were coming!

I was and still, am extremely grateful for that job. I was able to get paid and keep us afloat. I was told by let’s call her Susie, the mom of the kids I was watching, that it was a hard job. I wasn’t afraid, I was up for the task. And now, it was on my shoulders to support my family. And nothing was going to stop me from doing that.

I was MOTIVATED! I worked for 6-8 hours and was up the whole time on my feet. Doing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning…. more laundry and more dishes. When I picked the kids up from school we read books, sang songs, played games, and I tried to convince them to do their assigned chores for the day.

Now let me tell you… hard was an understatement. I was prepared for hard, what I wasn’t prepared for was the emotional trauma I felt every single day. But as I said, nothing was going to stop me. Every other nanny had quit, given up on these kids and that wasn’t going to be me. Since I was a kid I always friended the kids who were mean, or shy, or didn’t have friends. I love helping people.

I felt like if I kept steady, they’d come around. So, I did just that. When I didn’t know the proper way to end a bad situation with the tiny army, I confided in my mom. She is trained and assured me every time that I was handling the endless situations properly. I’m a firm believer in constructive criticism and take it well. I opened up to her every day I worked and wasn’t biased in telling my story. I didn’t care to show myself as “perfect” I genuinely wanted it to be me. Because, if it was me, that meant it could and would get better. There was nothing I was doing wrong. I was kind, respectful, and I cared. I cared with my whole being, I was me.

Every day seemed to get harder. Nothing was improving and after calling all of my lifelines for advice I felt hopeless. Daily before going into work, I wrote in a journal all the reasons the day would be AMAZING! I frequently used caps in my writing, it helped solidify my passion behind giving it my all. I prayed HARD, begging God to let me have a breakthrough. I was determined to not give up on these kids. I knew if I was kind no matter the situation, they would eventually be kind to me… right? That’s how positive thinking works. Well… newsflash for me… no matter how kind you are or how positive, you can’t effect others choices towards you. No matter how many positive affirmations you speak, how positive you are, if they are mean people, they’ll be mean. And it’s not your fault. I spoke aloud my affirmations. “I am kind, I deserve kindness! I love everyone I meet with my whole heart! I am awesome! I’m a hard worker! I never give up!”

Throughout the day when I started to really feel the defeat, I’d call my mom. Hoping she had the answer. Everyone I turned to only told me of how toxic the situation was. How proud they were of me and that I needed to LEAVE! But, I was determined. And determined people stay no matter how volatile the situation, they stay until it gets better.

Now, I may have referred to them as a “tiny army” and I genuinely felt like that every day, but I grew to love them. I saw them for who they were. Not who they were being to me. Not the broken kids taking their anger out on me. I saw them as who they were in their soul. So, I kept trying. They would tell me they hated me everyday immediately after I picked them up from school. At first I tried ignoring it and asking how their day was, what they wanted to do after we got home and if they were ready to have fun. Then eventually after seeing that approach wasn’t working I figured I’d try and see if there was a reason. Maybe a conversation with them about whatever was upsetting them would leave us all feeling more understood. Nope, they just hated me. No reason, nothing I could change. Later after I reflected on the situation, I feel that I became the symbol of their dysfunctional family. And I was the safe place they could act out their emotions. I was kind. I was me. I was told by the mom that I was the reason that the kids weren’t being kind. That it was my negativity that was effecting the good or bad outcome on my days. And maybe if I was more positive they’d be nicer to me. Now for those of you who know me, you can see why that is such a funny statement. And sadly it just shows that she didn’t really take the time to get to know me. Also shows that if someone is in some serious denial it doesn’t matter what you do, nothing is ever their fault, it’s yours. You aren’t doing enough, you aren’t kind enough, everything is YOUR fault.

I often felt so broken down to my core I walked outside just to escape it all and cried. I was exhausted. Mentally tore down. You can only work somewhere for so long and handle being told what a horrible person you are, how much you are hated, how you are so stupid. The things I heard from the kids that were spoken about me at their home after I left made me so sad. The things they lied about to try and get me fired, the way the mom spoke of me to her kids… and really it’s no wonder the kids didn’t like me. Why would they when the person they want to give them more quality time is saying bad things about me.

I would never want to speak badly of someone. You never know what they are going through in their personal life. And I learned this here. Just because someone preaches kindness. Just because they help guide you in your life. Just because they seem like the most genuinely kind person, doesn’t mean they are. Doesn’t mean they have it anymore figured out than you do. AND YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE TREATED BADLY BY ANYONE. NO MATTER THEIR JOB TITLE IN LIFE. NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU WANT TO MAKE IT WORK! DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO PUT YOUR WHOLE HEART IN EVERYDAY TO MAKING SOMETHING BETTER AND CONTINUE TO BE BEATEN DOWN! YOU! DESERVE! BETTER! Don’t let them tell you who you are. Don’t let them scare you into thinking you’re someone you aren’t!

The last conversation I had with Susie was awful. I put it on speaker for my mom to hear so yet again… she could give me constructive criticism if I was wrong. So I could grow and develop as a human being. That conversation I was told who I am by someone who doesn’t believe in labels. I was told how I wasn’t good at my job. How I was passive-aggressive and trying to undermine her kids. Not given a second to defend myself. So I just listened as I was being attacked. I was shaking. Angry, mad, so sad, and the most hurtful thing was being told I’m someone I’m not.

My mom listening, shaking her head, laughing, and raising her arms to the ridiculous claims she was making. The best piece of advice I got from my momma was, “Emma, hurt people, hurt people.” I cried for the whole day. Asked my sister if what she said about me was true. I gave my all and it was beaten down and lit on fire.

Realizing that the negativity in my life wasn’t caused by my negativity but from the ones in denial and unwilling to change gave me enough strength to leave. I felt that I wouldn’t be worth anything. That’s how they made me feel. BUT guess freaking what?! My new job, I LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! I hear every day “I love you, I missed you,” I hear from my coworkers how kind I am. How they don’t think I could be mean even if I wanted to. How great I am at my job. They build me up, and that’s the difference.

Brad found a job soon after I started nannying. We were finally able to sell our beautiful fifth wheel. It was hard to watch it leave with another couple but signifies a new chapter starting in our life. We have an awesome ten month plan to better our lives even more. And when we get our business started will help so many people around us. We are going to give back and help all the people who have been kind to us. Our neighbor jake across the street for helping brad fix his car. My parents for allowing us to stay at their home while we got our life in order. The fifth wheel dealership that let us park it on their lot rent free while we tried to sell it. My sister for being my therapist the whole time I was nannying. I’m going to change the world and the hard time life has thrown my way has only solidified my desire to be kind.

If something is toxic for you, whether that be a job, relationship, sports team, whatever it may be… please don’t blame yourself. You are priceless. Definitely look at yourself and see if there are things you can change for the better, but if you are doing everything you know to be good, then it’s not you, sweetie. Don’t take on someone else’s burden in life. Don’t let someone else blame you for their bad parenting. You don’t have to sell your soul.

I was terrified my reputation would be soiled in the small town I worked. But I found my own voice. I didn’t allow her to take one more thing from me. Being able to caution people to make sure they really trust the person mentoring them. Nobody is perfect, but no person is all bad. And nobody, NOBODY deserves to be treated the way I was.