This week has been crazy. My emotions have been high, and also very low. It’s taken a lot out of me and I’ve really needed 15 hours of sleep a night instead of 7.
When life gets hard, I immediately start thinking of my grandpa who I was very close to. I always wonder what his advice would be for me and how I should best handle the difficulties in life.
Here is what I wish I could tell my grandpa Dutson.
Dear Grandpa,
How are you? I often wonder if you’re happy, living the life in heaven that you deserve.
As I’m sure you know, life for me has been quite the adventure. Do you remember how you promised you would be there for me every step of the way? I really feel like you’ve kept that promise. In hard times, that’s what I always remember. That even though I feel alone, you are still keeping your promise.
This week has been really hard for me, I’ve been really tired and just needing life to pause for a minute so I can catch a breath. But as you know, life doesn’t ever stop, even on the hardest days.
I’m really happy with where my life is taking me. I recently bought a house and have been settling in with my family. I’m living my dream and wish you were here with me.
I miss you and grandma so much. I sometimes get angry thinking about how other people have grandparents and don’t care to see them or talk to them. Yet, their grandparents are still alive, and you have both passed. It doesn’t feel fair.
There are nights when the sunsets are so beautiful. I sit and watch them in awe and wonder if grandma painted it for me like she always said. The vibrant orange and red colors always remind me of you guys when I need it most.
Tell grandma I miss her. That I hope she is running free and living a beautiful life in heaven. Tell her that I miss her hugs and her constant, “I love you!” She never missed telling me and I miss that so much. I hope she is proud of me and how far I’ve come.
I remember sitting downstairs with you and you cried talking about how my life would go. Knowing that you wouldn’t be there for major milestones in it. You cried and said how badly you wanted to be there for everything in my life. I cried right along with you and said, “You’ll still be there! I know you wouldn’t miss anything. Even if it’s not in person, you’ll be there in spirit.” You cried and nodded your head.
I held that with me every milestone in life. Remembering that you said you would be there with me, no matter what.
I sometimes wonder why I’m still so sad. It’s been 6.5 years. But I guess when someone makes that big of an impact on you, you never truly heal.
Sometimes I wonder what you would say to me. When I’m going through something hard, I picture you and hear your voice saying something that you really would say to me. I don’t know if that’s you, or me trying my hardest to still have your wisdom and advice.
There are times I feel you so intensely. When I’m sad and feeling alone, I feel your spirit close to me. As if you’re trying to tell me, you’re keeping that promise. And that you’re here. I only feel it for a few seconds just letting me know, but it instantly eases my sorrow. I smile and think, “That was you, wasn’t it… I hope you’re okay, and I miss you!”
I feel so blessed to have had a grandpa like you. I never had to wonder if you loved me. I never had to wonder if I was good enough. I always felt so loved and so understood.
I remember sitting in church with you and putting my head on your chest. Listening to every heartbeat. Knowing that soon I wouldn’t hear it. You truly made every heartbeat count.
I also remember sitting next to you, again in church, singing and I don’t even remember the name of the song until I hear it. We sang in such harmony and it was powerful. It gave me chills as I continued to sing with you and feel the power behind every word. As you sang I knew you meant every word.
As you sang about God and how you would soon kneel by his feet, I pictured you actually doing that. Knowing that someday soon you would kneel at his feet and tell Him your love for Him. The next week, you passed away. Every single time I hear that song, I sing with everything in me. Picturing you right next to me as you were that day. My mom still talks about it and tells me how powerful an experience it was.
I miss you, some days are harder than others, but everyday I miss you. Your smile, your hug, your contagious laugh, and your wisdom. I miss having my best friend with me. You always knew me. When I struggled to feel understood, I always felt understood with you.
I miss you, grandpa. But I know you’re in a better place now. I just hope you still visit me and help me, even if I don’t recognize it’s you. I will continue to teach my children of you. And that amazing man, husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather you were.
Until we meet again.
All my love,
Talesha.