6 years ago on June 20, 2013 my life ended.
No, I didn’t die a physical death but I did lose every part of who I was. My world flipped upside down in an instant. All with an 18 month old in my arms.
This is my story of grief, loss and ultimately finding my life’s purpose and calling.
I was 24 years old and six months pregnant with my beautiful CC. Nathan was walking up the stairs with me to go see grandma. We reached the top of the stairs and I had a gut sinking, something is terribly wrong feeling.
I tried to brush it off. Telling myself everything was fine and I was just being a worry wort. I picked Nathan up at the top of the stairs and said, “knock knock grandma.” To which Nathan always repeated after me.
Silence.
I open the door and all I can hear is the humming of the oxygen machine.
The most horrible sinking feeling is now in my gut and I feel the urge to throw up.
“It’s ok Talesha, everything is fine, she’s just taking a nap.”
“Grandma”
SILENCE
At this point I’m in slow motion. You know that feeling when you’re terrified and everything in your being wants to run. That was me in that instant. I wanted to run but I knew deep within there was no where to go. What would happen next would become my story and journey to healing.
Oxygen machine is humming and I swear it was getting louder with each step, canceling out the void of grandma’s reply.
I walked down the hallway and that’s when I found her. My grandma, I knew she was gone, but I needed to make sure. I quickly put my son down. Why didn’t I put him down earlier?! And ran to her.
I couldn’t find her pulse, couldn’t wake her. Couldn’t do a single thing but scream for my husband.
Time seemed to move in fast motion as my mind was trying to piece together what to do next. I just looked at my husband Paul and said what do I do? I can’t do this!
In that moment I felt alone, our home, my place of refuge became the scariest reality.
I crumbled to the ground, unable to keep myself upright. And sobbed into the phone calling 911.
I couldn’t think, couldn’t form the words to speak with the emt’s, couldn’t feel.
I went into overdrive, I remember thinking I had to be strong. It wouldn’t be fair for me to be a mess with everyone.
Panic rushed over me. I had to call my mom. She needed to be here. But how, how do I tell her grandma, her mom passed away and there was nothing either of us could do?
The phone rang and her voice crushed my soul. Mom,…
I miss your Dear Grandmother! I do not know if I have ever heard your story of you finding her…. I want to hear more……She was always so very kind to me and my parents. They loved her as well.
I miss her so much! It’s been interesting to write this story. In a way it brings parts of her back to me. She was easy to love and give love. I’m grateful she had such good people in her life.